“There is no room in my heart for hate”

“Take your broken heart, make it into art” – Meryl Streep quoting Carrie Fisher

It has been a rough few months again. I opened myself up and I was hurt. This time though, I did not see it coming. I was all in, but then without warning, it was all over.

Few things hurt as much as being rejected and not being told why.

Especially when it has happened more than once.

“The only closure you’ll get is that you won’t always get closure” 

– a trusted friend

So when something like this happens to me, I do wonder whether I care too much and give too much of myself. And when someone is frivolous with my heart, I can fall hard. It is so easy to fall back into a negative head space and think that I will never experience these wonderful highs of connecting with someone on a beautiful level again. Or, whether I will be able to trust someone with my heart again. Or, whether I will open myself up to hurt again. It isn’t nice and it certainly isn’t easy, but sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to.

I retreat to nature and try to enjoy my own company. While the great outdoors always offers a recharge, sometimes my thoughts are too much even for nature to overcome. But it is still an important part of my life and one that I need to regularly experience.

Sometimes, the inevitable stage is withdrawal. It has happened before and it happened again here. I withdraw when people I really care for do me wrong. People that I trusted not to hurt me, but they did. This is when the negative thoughts can happen. And the restless nights. And I can feel very lonely when I am alone. Memories are everywhere and they remind me of the hurt. Thoughts are consumed with the confusion on not knowing what went wrong.

I sometimes think that I put too much of myself on the line, and that I am an easy target for those that don’t feel like I do. I don’t think that’s a part of one’s personality that can change though. And maybe it’s a part of one’s personality that shouldn’t change.

I know some things take time and that some people need more time than others to process difficult things. I have learned that there is no right or wrong way to process these feelings and that there is no timeline either. It isn’t helpful to expect that someone will just get over it like you might do and it definitely isn’t helpful to tell someone who is struggling to “just get over it”. There is always a time for empathy.

If you have someone special in your life, please do not take them for granted. Show them that you care, tell them that you care. You just don’t know if they’re always going to be there. Life is full of unknowns, and while that shouldn’t stop us from putting ourselves out there for both the good and the bad, the one sure thing I’ve learned is that things – and people – change.

Try to embrace the change. It is not always easy – in fact, sometimes it is the hardest thing to see – but each experience is a lesson. That’s why I will keep putting myself out there and why I will eventually feel confident about myself again. A positive mindset where you can see each experience, no matter how painful it is at the time, as a lesson, is more helpful than seeing things as a waste of time. I remember from previous struggles where I lacked a sense of purpose, it was a destructive mindset which works against any hope you have of feeling better about yourself and your life.

It is also okay to have a day here and there where you do not feel your best and when you just need to hide away. I can sense when I am feeling like this and I make sure that I acknowledge it and importantly, I try not to make myself feel bad about feeling like this. There are times when I feel like things are overwhelming and that there isn’t much to be happy about, but this is when I find it is most important to retreat and reset. It is human to feel happy and sad, and everything in between. Nothing, and no one, in this world is perfect, and it is worth remembering this when not feeling your best.

“There is no room in my heart for hate” – Sense8, Season 2, Episode 7

I think it is important to also be patient with each other. This is incredibly tough to do at times when you are hurting, as the natural reaction might be to get upset and say some things that you might later regret. I don’t see it as a weakness to be the person that understands that everyone has their struggles and sometimes, some people don’t behave the way that we think we would do in the same situation. You never really know this until you experience it for yourself. While it is easy (and tempting sometimes) to judge others for their behaviour, it is important to acknowledge that it might not be personal, so don’t take it that way.

The upshot of this is that I want to ask that we try to treat each other with a little more love and respect. I strongly believe that the increasing number of people suffering mental health deficits is related to the careless way some of us treat each other. We are unnecessarily frivolous with each other sometimes and forget that everyone has their own battles to fight. We don’t need to add to these stresses by being cruel to others. A little communication goes a long way, and sometimes it might be a difficult conversation, but just have it. So many things can be resolved by discussing the actual issues, rather than just walking away from them. I find hugs always help too.