The Lessons of a Decade

The end of a year is always a time of personal reflection, but this one feels like it requires more than previous years. Maybe because it’s the end of another decade (seriously, where did the last ten years go?!), or maybe because so much has happened in a relatively short amount of time.

I turned 40 this year; and I was ok with it. As opposed to the mini breakdown I had months before my 30th. I had set myself all of these arbitrary goals, probably similar goals that you have set yourself: have a partner, be on the way to owning property (i.e. have a mortgage), have a successful career, be happy. Turns out I had none of that at 29, hence that mini breakdown. My 30th came and went, I had an incredible night surrounded by many people near and dear to me, but those aches from unachieved goals lingered. I won’t bore you with a detailed summary of the last ten years, but I feel like a reflection of what I’ve come to know in that time might be useful for some of you. Yes, it’s personal and we should all live our life the way we want to, but some of these things might resonate with you:

You will continue to change and learn more about yourself every year: this is hard to digest as a twenty-something. I felt I knew what I was doing, where I was going, who and what mattered most. The simple fact is priorities change; what you once see as critical to your daily life pales into insignificance when your energy is diverted to new challenges, or new environments. I think there is some humanistic yearning for this ongoing discovery – I do not think we were designed to remain stagnant for all of our lives. This does not necessarily mean a life of constant travel or career changes – change and learning about yourself is as individual a process as you are and there is no blueprint for it. Even if you are convinced that where you are right now is where you will be in ten years, why close the door to any worthwhile opportunity that may present? So, instead of stressing about what next week, or next year is going to bring, try to pay more attention to here and now, and to those in your life who help you be the best you can be right now. And, a real goal of mine is to let people know that I appreciate them, care for them and thank them for any good they do for me. The world sure could use more appreciation and gratitude.

Do not spend too much time regretting decisions made: I think most decisions I have made along the way were the right decision at that time, and with different perspective or understanding, I may have decided differently, but how can you worry about something that you didn’t know at the time? I regularly look back at an opportunity I had nearly 20 years ago for a six-month exchange at McGill University in Montreal, Canada. Of course, things may have taken a different path if I had taken up that opportunity, but life circumstances at the time led me to decide against it. Initially, there was regret, but I have come to realise that this was the right decision for that time. It is probably something I would do differently now, but these decisions are always much easier in hindsight. So, instead of worrying about what could be, or what could have been, try to focus on what is and the possibilities that brings.

You will spend less time trying to be perfect and trying to be liked by everyone: this has been a tough lesson. It was always one of the things my ex partner (who remains a dear friend) would ask me – “why do you need everyone to like you?” I wish I knew the answer to this, but what I can say with some certainty is, you will begin to care less about being liked and care more about those relationships and connections that are genuine and offer each person mutual benefit. We are social creatures – we were not designed for isolation, so perhaps that plays some part in wanting to be liked, but the lack of genuine relationships and interactions is a recipe for loneliness, that I can assure you of. Quality over quantity is ever present.

This leads onto the next point, something I am only recently absorbing: know that actual interactions with actual people will always surpass online interactions. I freely admit that I am guilty of having too great of an online presence – I post numerous stories and updates, mostly photos these days, but nonetheless, most of you would have a fair idea of my habits simply from social media. Yet, I am as lonely today as I was at the start of this decade. That is possibly the reason for the posting – I am yearning for interaction, for connection, which for whatever reason, I have not been getting enough of in the physical world. But is all this online time taking away from the physical time? It is difficult to admit to this, but something I need to acknowledge. The only thing being connected online has brought me is more disconnection. Facebook has been in my life for 12 years and I wonder if it is a coincidence that these 12 years have been my toughest.

Bushrangers Bay selfie
Happy place: a beach, hiking (Bushrangers Bay, near Cape Schanck, VIC, 2019)

Take that chance – generally, the worst that can happen is you learn some things along the way: a question I have been asked more times than I care to remember is “why do you keep changing career path?” Yeah, I’ve worked in retail, accounting, fitness, technology, even dabbled a little with writing and editing, and now I am less than three weeks away from commencing my nursing career. I have never been ashamed to seek something better – one of the greatest traps in life is to settle. This can apply to many situations, not just work life. Don’t settle – you are worth more than that. It might not be clear which path you want to take, but just seeking it is a good start. The alternative is the all-too-real realisation you will get one day of “what if?” and that’s something worth avoiding if you can. I know there are some situations in life where it is not always immediately possible to implement change – the realities of finances and dependants is ever present, but don’t let this lead to a dead end. You might reach a point where you want it bad enough that there is no alternative other than to make it happen. My last three years studying full time, working part time and completing unpaid clinical placements is a decent example – as tough as this was, I saw no other way than to push through it. It involves sacrificing things (such as my desire to travel frequently), but this is short term. Take that chance, at least you can say then that you tried, which is infinitely better than asking “what if?”

IMG_6948
Happy place: a stunning sunset (one of my favourite moments of the decade, near Wreck Beach, Vancouver, Canada, 2017)

This decade has undeniably been the toughest of my life so far and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have grown so much and learned many things about myself that could not be possible if everything was just swimming along. Adversity is a great teacher – you always have the option to tackle it, or ignore it. While it is difficult to see at the time (sometimes impossible), you will be able to look back and recognise how it helped you along your path and how you are a better person for coming out the other side. Know too that everyone struggles from time to time – this has been one of my most important lessons – and the best way to get through that is remind yourself of your purpose, your hopes and put yourself out there in a genuine sense. And for me, that means less time online and disconnected. Happy new year and I hope some of this helps, or at least resonates, as we all try to push on into a new decade. May it be what you need it to be.

melb rainbow
Happy place: nature, especially when it shows off like this (somewhere along the Yarra River, Melbourne, VIC, 2018)